My wish list =)

I am 4weeks and 3 days, going by my prediction on ovulation... and 7 days before my first OB appt! I am feeling better overall... cramping is down to a minimum (if at all) and I just have a very good feeling about it all.

We did our taxes today (first year as a married couple!!!) and we are getting back a decent amount. I was impressed! Since we decided collectively it wouldn't be worth it for us to move from where we are, we decided to use our tax return to catch up on a couple bills, pay off a few credit cards, put some $$ aside for Alex's trip to Chicago in April, our first anniversary, and for a girls' weekend trip for me in June/July. The rest will be put into savings for whatever else we decide we may need it for.

I've decided to start a wish list for this second baby... if it's a boy, we pretty much won't be NEEDING many things. We still have all of Landon's baby clothes. We still have everything we NEED for another baby.... I would, however, like the following (in the order they are listed):

-A new breast pump. My old one was fine, but I think there are DEFINITELY better out there (I'm thinking Medela). I want to exclusively breastfeed this new baby but we will see how it goes... last time's experience WORKED but just barely...
-Cloth Diapers. Don't judge! I don't want to do 100% cloth diapering (who would want to carry around a nasty poop diaper while out and about for the day?) I have a lot to learn before I purchase any but it would be nice to cut down on the cost of diapers.
-A REAL baby swing. We had a little fold-up swing (I sold it at a garage sale) and it really was less than impressive.
-A bassinet... not something horribly needed but it would be nice.... or we can just use the pack-n-play again.. I'm just assuming the baby will be in our room for a few months initially.
-I would love to stock up on formula and disposable diapers. While I've already stated that I want to breast feed exclusively and try cloth diapering, I still would like to be honest with myself and cut down a lot of the cost now.
-Classes. Lamaze and breastfeeding particularly. The nurses taught me a couple things during labor last time that REALLY would have helped tremendously had I of gone to a class. Also, they promised a nurse would walk me through the in's and out's of breastfeeding after Landon was born... wrong. It seems simple but there's really so much that goes into it. I would like to know more.

And finally, I want new maternity clothes. I'm pretty sure my old ones won't fit.... maternity clothes are needed, no if's, and's or but's. It will be fun to go shopping for them as well =) I'm very excited!

Still don't know when we will tell family... I REALLY want to have heard a heartbeat or see an ultrasound to  give me a REAL due date and such... and then I can finally announce it on facebook and other people can read this blog!

Stumbling around in the dark

Now that I am HERE (pregnant) I feel as though it's completely new to me. Memories from the nitty-gritty bits of my pregnancy with Landon are pretty much blacked out in my mind: He is here now, healthy, and happy and that's all that really matters to me.

But I cannot for the life of me remember what "early pregnancy" might have been like with him. For one thing, I didn't find out until I was about 6-7 weeks along with him... All I remember was being so unbelievably tired a few memorable times before I took got my positive pregnancy test. I also remember thinking I couldn't be pregnant because I had felt some cramping a week or two before taking the test, indicating that my period was likely on it's way.

As of now, I am cramping off and on during the day on any given day. The more water I drink, the less they are there. I haven't had any kind of "discharge" or bleeding or other indications to let me know something MIGHT be wrong. I've never had a miscarriage before... but for some odd reason, I can't shake the fear that this baby might not be our take-home baby. I promised to be relaxed and take it easy... but to be honest I am worried out of my mind.

I'm not experiencing symptoms really... just mild cramping off and on, increased appetite, and I get tired easier. That's it. (Well, I have frequent urination but that's because of the increased amounts of water I have been drinking on a daily basis.) So it's really hard to gauge if everything is "alright". I've still been taking some internet cheapie tests off and on and they seem to be getting darker... except for today. This morning's test was a LITTLE bit lighter than yesterday nights test, but I am trying to tell myself it's because I didn't drink much water yesterday and last night I started cramping so I drank more, thus diluting my "sample" this morning and not giving me as strong a line.

I already called and made a Doctor appointment. My first O/B appt is February 1 at 9am! I have NO clue what to except. I have REAL insurance this time around so I KNOW they can perform more than the "manditory" 2 ultrasounds during this pregnancy. They go by my last period though initially until an u/s gives them a better idea of where I'm at... so they would put me at September 17th as my due date instead of September 30. I'm hoping they will be doing an ultrasound at the first appointment, but I fear since I will be so early (contrary to my last period vs. my supposed ovulation) that there won't be anything to see yet.

I also fear that I will miscarry before then and won't get to do any of this. I am very nervous about everything. I am praying for peace of mind and trying to calm myself.... but we will see what comes about over the next few weeks. Fingers crossed that everything is alright and my little Sprout is just snuggling in for the next 8 months!

Can you see THESE lines?? =)

I know the lines in my last post were hard to see... believe me, they are not hard to see in real life. I took those pictures with my phone and obviously it doesn't have the best quality.

For your viewing pleasure....

Yesterday (Sunday the 22nd) I was what I thought to be officially 4 weeks along... I am going to be documenting with belly pics... even though I am a "fluffy" person right now, I'm pretty sure that eventually we will see progress LOL. Here is my four week picture!

God is greater than all things!

(I suck so bad at actually updating this blog... hopefully that changes now!)

So the tests I posted a week or so ago were all false. Or I had a chemical pregnancy. Either way, no baby from them. I was absolutely heartbroken... I don't know how some girls go through cycle after cycle of miscarriages and still be in one piece seemingly. Thinking I had miscarried and feeling the cramping coming on.... knowing I just missed out on a whole life.... knowing my body had killed my baby.... it was terrible to say the least.

But God has a plan... through all things good or bad, He has a plan. And boy, did he surprise me!!

After about a week of negatives on my cheap internet strips, I was about to throw in the towel and just pray that Aunt Flow came for her visit so I could move on. The morning of the 17th I went ahead and took another cheapie test... dipped it and took my shower. about 10 minutes later when I emerged from said shower, there it was: a bright pink second line staring back up at me. I was completely skeptical because I hadn't gotten a line on these before (nothing false... faint shadows but nothing definite), and so I was beginning to wonder if these crappy tests were completely bogus as well. (Just as an FYI, I know it's hard to see in this pic... it's there. These tests are impossibly thing so it's hard to know what you are looking at sometimes.)

So, onward I went to work, getting another good hold going... but I made a pit-stop at Walmart first... I bought a few blue dye cheapies (the kind that gave me my false positive back in July) and a box of Answer brand. I parked at my store and pulled out a blue dye and promised myself I would only look at it for up to 10 minutes after taking it. There was NO WAY I wanted to see a false positive again. So before clocking on I went and took the test. I shoved it in my pocket and clocked on. About 3 minutes after taking it, I pulled it out of my pocket .... big fat positive. No question about it.... positive. (again, hard to see in this pic... it's there.)

I began wondering if I really was on to something, or had just completely lost my mind. There's no way I could be pregnant TWICE in a cycle. (I still think those other tests I took a while ago were just false/evaps.) I was angry that I didn't grab an Answer to test with at this point... although I knew I didn't want to waste another expensive test if it was nothing. About 2.5 hours later I had another hold going and ran to my car and grabbed an Answer test. Took it in the bathroom at work.. it took a little longer than my other tests but that second pink line came peeking through... I was dumbfounded. Could it really be true???

I text the picture to a friend and asked if she could see it.... instantly replied with a yes. I showed a co-worker at work whom I am closer to and she said she could easily see it. I was tearing up and in denial. No way could this day be real!

These pee sticks above are a collection of four sticks I did in the course of four mornings... each one getting darker. I still am having a hard time grasping it... we are FINALLY pregnant again!!! I showed Alex and he is just as thrilled. Still skeptical of being in a dream, I decided to take my digi. It came up "pregnant" within about 90 seconds. I have NEVER had a digital test come back with a positive result. (Alex also jokingly told me the lines were hard to see in the pictures I sent him, so I took this and showed him the next morning and said "Well, the lines are faint and hard to see, but can you READ?"... He thought it was funny.) My heart was all a-flutter and I am could not express how happy I am. 

Guessing at my ovulation, I would be due around September 30th. I have a Dr Appt on Feb 1 to go and confirm said details. Wouldn't it be wonderful to get an ultrasound??? Doubtful....

We are still waiting to tell family/friends until we confirm this pregnancy with a heartbeat and/or an U/S. I don't feel like anything negative will come of this pregnancy, but I wanted to tell others how we see fit as opposed to last time when it got blabbed to everybody and there was no element of excitement for us. 

I'm so excited to know that all of this work we did to conceive paid off and we finally have our miracle baby #2 coming in September!!

just an update

I am 100% pregnant... or was a few days ago. My tests got fairly dark and then all but completely reversed and while I have a second line on my tests they are so faint its hard to see. Its heartbreaking... Im pretty sure Im miscarrying. But I might not be either because my First Response test never truly showed a line.... ugh.

Two lines are better than one!

This was our "month off" from TTC. Alex had gotten Inguinal Hernia surgery and his *ahem* man parts were all bruised and battered for a while afterward (as well as his stomach and gut). I decided before we knew he had to have surgery that I wasnt going to stress this cycle... not going to take ovulation tests or temp and match my ovulation with said tests.

And I didn't. It was wonderful. So much so, that we kind of silently agreed to stop TTC for a couple months (well, not try but certainly not prevent.)

Guess what though? TWO LINES GUYS!!! Wow!! I've had this second line on several of these cheap dollar tree tests for the last day and a half. Before that, they were stark white! I took a First Response brand and got a negative which was quite disheartening... maybe it's still too early.

I am shocked and happy, but also weary.... The lines are all so light and I'm not sure if they are progressing at all. Alex doesn't know yet... and I won't tell him until one of my "big guns" has a more definite line. I am so excited! I cannot believe that I could very well be pregnant!  I am dying for a darker line, and one to show up on my First Response or Answer brand tests so I can finally share with Alex. He is going to be over the moon!

End of 2011... and my resolution

I have mixed emotions.... its been quite a trying year.

I wont lie: I thought for sure I would be pregnant by now... I knew full well it would take a few months; I assumed it would happen without thought just like with Landon. But it hasnt.... its going on six months now and Im really starting to feel the sting of defeat.

At the same time I know whenever we do get our positive, it will all be worth the wait and heartbreak. It will make us appreciate all those special moments of pregnancy. I will revel in the thrill of getting our positive test and the doctor visits.... all the pains, nausea, nights spent tossing and turning, feeling everything from the first few flutters to full blown kicking and rolling and hiccups... yeah, all of it will be savored and welcomed.

I also realize that God isnt trying to torment us... Hes just picking out the perfect angel to send down to us. I know He is taking His time matching our second angel to us. It will all happen in His time.... but man, am I anxious and impatient.

My resolution for 2012 is to work on being a more patient, less anxious me. A toast to the new year!!