I gave in

and took my preggo test today. Big fat negative.

I'm a bit depressed. But at the same time, my period has been very regular the last year or so and now it seems non-existent. I was having some severe cramping a few days ago... as if my period would start that day. As of Saturday, though, I've had ZERO cramping. I feel like my bloating has disappeared too. It's almost as if my period HAS come and gone because I feel completely normal again... except for the fact there was no actual menstration. I'm a little frustrated because my IUD had 0 hormones in it. It was basically a piece of copper that prevented sperm from meeting an egg. So once it was removed I assumed my period would stay the same, and all would be well.

I'm trying to not think about this whole thing... I figured if I stressed out about it, it would only delay it further. However, I haven't really been stressing over it at all.. thinking about it and stressing are two different things for sure. At this point, I highly doubt there's any chance we conceived this month. If we had, a preggo test should have picked up on it by now. I'm saddened a bit, but mostly I just want my dang period to start so we can get back to figuring out ovulation and give it another try next month =)

In the back of my mind, my inner most fears are screaming ridiculous things like "what if when the IUD got stuck coming out, it tore something and now you will be infertile for the rest of your life?" or something happened to me since I had Landon and now my eggs are no good anymore.... I don't know. I've done my best to keep that part contained and quiet in my mind. I also think it's natural to have crazy fears when your body suddenly starts changing it's habits.

Maybe it's just God interfering because something will happen in our lives soon and he doesn't think it's a good time for a baby for us. I don't know. Maybe I should listen a little closer....

My friend from the school days just found she and her hubby are pregnant again! Their son will be just over 2 years old when this next baby is born... I am so excited for them. I just hope we can be in the same boat soon!

I'm gonna buy some more preggo tests friday when we get paid. I'm not nearly as anxious anymore to take them since the one I just took was a BFN, without any shadow of a doubt. But at least if my period doesn't start by the end of this month, I will have one to double check. If it's still negative and I have no more signs of my Aunt Flow coming on, I will be heading to my Dr... just to make sure everything is functioning.

I'm done complaining for now. I'm going to go focus on good things in my life for a while... like my amazing little boy who does nothing but make my smile and give my life a purpose =)