Ovulation!

Today is ovulation day! Although part of me thinks it might have been yesterday.... my temps started going back up this morning but we will know for sure tomorrow morning when I temp again! Glad we are in the two week wait again though! As much as it sucks to wait and wait and wait, at least in the TWW I can start testing early and possibly get something positive =)

I got my batch of 50 pregnancy test strips from the internet today.. I bought a different brand though from Amazon. Unfortunately, there is a bad lot# and exp date batch floating around... I checked mine and they are ALL from the same batch! So sad... they are giving people LOTS of believable false positives... you really can't complain too much since they are cheapies and aren't really meant for super early testing... but it's still sad to me. Here's hoping any potential positive I may get this cycle is REAL this time.

But again, I'm not holding my breath.

I've been thinking quite a bit

....and is it really so much to ask to have a baby?

My old general manager of my store had struggled with infertility for about ten years (thats what I'm told). She and her hubby were finally blessed with a little girl this year in July. I met her once or twice, saw dozens of pictures, heard all the birth stories....

Last week, her daughter died from SIDS.

I cant even begin to feel and know the pain Nicole and Travis have felt... All of that hard work and persistence to get pregnant and maintain the pregnancy to full-term, have a gorgeous, HEALTHY baby girl, love her completely and fully for nearly four months, and then lose her so quickly and tragically and not have anybody or anything to at least put blame on except fate... it's heart-wrenching and horrible to have to live through something so awful.

Is it really so wrong to want to have a family? To have a baby?? I can't even comprehend what they must be feeling... I would say it's worse than a miscarriage because you FINALLY got the miracle you were hoping for and bonded... felt like a normal, happy family... then to have it snatched out from under your hands so quickly and effortlessly seems like such a horrible trick. I know there's no point in blaming God for it... even when things are at their lowest, He is still good.

But you still have to stop and wonder sometimes about the WHY it happened... it's pointless in the end, but I let my brain get the better of me sometimes and I hope I'm forgiven for it.

Now, I haven't had a miscarriage or been diagnosed with some awful, life-altering news AT ALL... but really, I just wonder sometimes... WHY is it so hard for some people to accomplish having a baby? It's supposed to be a (mostly) simple part of life that changes things forever but in the most blessed of ways... I don't know. It's got me quite depressed.

Four months and four cycles later we are still unprotected and praying for a miracle. I trust in Him to know what is best for our family and when the right time will be to add another little one into our lives. I am only human though with desires so intense it's painful sometimes. I WANT another baby... I don't care if it's a boy or girl. I want another beautiful, intelligent, loving, amazing little person to call my own. I want to expand my family and make my husband beam from ear to ear when I tell him the news. I want my son to have at least one sibling and hopefully have the kind of bond my siblings and I share...

It will happen when it's meant to happen. And quite frankly, I shouldn't be complaining because I KNOW there are a billions of people in the world that will never have a single child of their own in their lifetimes, and I have already been blessed with one incredible little boy. But days like today, I just ache from the inside, out... wanting another child to love and cherish.

One more time... is it really so much to ask?

RIP sweet angel baby girl... I know you are in a better place, but I pray your parents find some kind of peace with it someday.

Not ovulated yet

So no ovulation surge detected yet, but I'm getting closer =) I just need to keep my head up!!

On another note, I order another batch of pregnancy test strips!! I'm sooooooo excited!! I always feel so accomplished and happy and some kind of rush whenever I order more testing strips. It's an awesome feeling =D

We also decided if we get our BFP before Christmas, we know how we will be telling our mothers =) We will get each of them a piece of jewelry (not sure what yet exactly) with Landon's birthstone and the new baby's birthstone with the note saying "See you in July/August, Grandma!" I thought it would be cute =)

Anyway, I have nothing else to report so I will be updating you another day!

Earlier each and every cycle

So even though we are on a NTNP TTC break (not trying, not preventing trying to conceive), I've been watching my cycles closely every month and have noticed that they have gotten progressively shorter and shorter. I stocked up on some dollar tree ovulation tests last night, and have taken a couple since then... and if I had to guess, it looks like I am gearing up to ovulate in the 1-3 days! Holy crud!! (I still want to keep track of my cycles for whenever we decide to come off of our break.)

This would be the earliest I have ever ovulated since I started keeping track of my cycles. I'm only CD11... I almost feel like an average woman again!! It's quite a wonderful feeling =) We have been *AHEM* "enjoying" our little TTC break the last few days and I had little to no intentions of baby-dancing near my ovulation... well, I never assumed I would ovulate this early!! Sooooo the month we said "Mehhh, maybe we shouldn't care so much about conceiving right away... let's relax"...... and accidentally we've baby-danced in my fertile period. HAH go figure! =)

Of course, if we did get our BFP this month, neither of us would be opposed.  <3 A July baby would be a great addition to our little family!

But I won't get myself too excited and anxious.

New Strategy

(Well, not really a strategy... but hopefully it will help out!)

I decided since it's SOOOOO beautiful out now that I would start taking walks with Landon/by myself every single day. So far this week, I have gone out every single day with Landon for at least 45 minutes or more for a walk. It feels SOOOO good to get some exercise and as sad as it sounds, I'm so out of shape that I feel it. I'm glad I do... I want to loose some weight and at least get more energy back, eat healthier, and be outside with my little monster =)

I know most doctors say that exercising mildly, eating healthy, and keeping your health in check is a great way to boost your chances of conceiving. While Alex and I are on a little break (not trying, not preventing) I figured this will be something I can do for the cause that will keep me occupied until we decide we are ready to TRY again. So far I am feeling GREAT! Obviously I don't think I will be losing any kind of significant amount of weight, but I do feel better already.

I will continue to go for walks every day until it starts getting bitterly cold out... even then, I am going to try my best to go out by myself for a quick power walk or something... here's hoping this helps!! Even if it doesn't help us have another baby, I will still feel better everyday and continue to gain energy and feel great about myself! =)

Bizzarre Dream

It was so surreal. That's the best way to describe it... I don't believe in ANY way that dreams predict the future, but I do think they mean something when they leave you with a feeling this strong. Who knows what it really means, but I feel like I need to figure it out...

The whole dream could have been 100% real... except that I don't think 10 years from now we will be living on the beach, nor do I think we will be able to fly like DragonBall Z characters (LOL!!).

But in any case, it WAS ten years into the future and we lived in a beach house LITERALLY a block away from a vacant, private beach. Alex and I were in our house, working on some kind of model for whatever kind of work we did (this part was a bit hazy). However, we had three kids. Three beautiful kids: Landon, who was now 13/14-years-old, an 8/9-year-old girl named Lyla (I remember this clearly), and a 3-year-old little boy (whom I believe was named Hayden or something of the sort... his name was another fuzzy part.) Lyla had convinced Landon and Hayden to go out and try body surfing by themselves in the ocean. Alex and I had strict instructions for the kids: They were NOT to go swimming by themselves, at least without telling us about it first... I guess the waves on our private beach were much stronger than any other beach, although it looked like any other typical beach so I'm not sure why this would be true. Again, dreams are silly sometimes...

So somehow Lyla outsmarted Landon into thinking it was okay for the boys to do as I stated above, so off they went. As soon as Landon and his little brother were submerged in the ocean a good 6-7 feet from the shore, Lyla came running to Alex and I to tattle on her brothers. After the boys told us what had happened and how Lyla tricked them, I remember thinking to myself, "Wow, my daughter is such a clever, intelligent little asshole." Ahahahahahaha! Of course I would never think of my children as assholes... what a terrible parent I would be!

There was a million other things that happened in the dream, and a lot more detail that I don't care to get into... but what really stuck with me was the fact that we had three beautiful, amazing children about the ages apart that we'd wanted, and that my daughter's name needs to be Lyla. I woke up all but aching to hold her... I don't know if we will ever have a daughter. I have a feeling we won't... but if we do, Alex and I already decided that "Lyla" was a beautiful name and that will be her name. Lyla Adelle. I still like the name Evelynn Elise, but I have a couple friends who named their girls Evelyn, and a couple friends who have daughters middle/first names Elise.... I just don't feel like it fits anymore. Alex does not, however, like the name Hayden. I used to babysit a boy named Hayden when I was younger, and I completely agree that we will never have a son with this name. We aren't even sure if we will have three kids or not.. I would love three, but it all depends on our financial state down the road.

But I do know that if we are to have a daughter next, her name will be Lyla Adelle. It's so beautiful and sounds powerful to me. Alex is fond of the name, though I don't think it struck him quite the way it did me. It almost sounds too simple, but I don't know that I've met anybody with the name Lyla or Lila. It just feels right!

So confusing and a bit of heartache

I found out tonight that one of my co-workers is pregnant. She is already 8ish weeks along and she came out tonight on FB. She is happy and excited as it will be her first baby.

Her boyfriend also just got put in jail because he beat the crap out of her. She had to get stitches on her forehead because of it. She still seems to think that it will all work out between them and they will have their happy little family. I strongly believe that people are capable of change, but I do NOT believe that a baby will make things better in a bad situation. Why do people get with and stay with people who hit them?? It will never make sense to me!

Alex and I get angry at each other, say things we don't mean, and have arguments over silly/serious things... but we would NEVER physically hurt each other. Ever. Period. One of us always apologizes to the other if things get said that we can't take back.... we love each other unconditionally, like a married and loving couple should. We forgive each other and see the flaws in one another. We work out our problems and come to a conclusion together. Sometimes our arguments linger for a few days, week, months... etc.... some things feel like they will never fully heal. But when it comes right down to it, I love him. He loves me. We are only human and we both make mistakes, big and small. He is perfectly imperfect to me. He told me he couldn't dream of ever being with somebody more faithful and loving.

No matter how it might look to others, we love each other. We would never physically hurt each other. End of story.

There are so many people who cannot have a baby who are in such loving, faithful, and amazing relationships. It's not my job to question God's plan that He has for each individual person, but sometimes I let my mind get the better of me and wonder why He gives healthy babies to people who are so unstable emotionally in themselves, their partners, and their lives... what a terrible life to raise a child in.

And to top it all off, I feel the pang of jealousy... a stab to my heart.

I hate it.

We are trying to conceive another child... we want another beautiful blessing from God. I know it is just a matter of time before it happens... but it almost knocked the wind out of me to see this girls ultrasound picture on her wall and her "excitement".

We want this second baby so badly. What I DON'T want is this jealousy and anger to linger until I get our positive pregnancy test... I feel like a terrible person tonight.

Weeeelp, on to the next cycle...

So my period started on the 8th again... it was a 30 day cycle. It's interesting that my cycles have been getting shorter and shorter the more I pay attention to them. At least I know I'm not stressing and causing them to be late. However, I am also wondering why I only had a 12-day luteal phase last cycle... Not that any of it really matters. I'm still ovulating and having normal periods, so my body is 100% functional. We just need to keep trying until we catch that little eggie.

If we don't catch it this month, I have a friend who is getting inseminated come mid November.. (my next aunt flow is due on my birthday... so it will either be a GREAT birthday or a miserable one, LOL!) So we will get to obsess together! It will be much more exciting to have somebody else's pee sticks to look at other than mine =) Hopefully we can get our good news together! She is being inseminated in hopes of being a surrogate for this wonderful couple she has told me about! She did it successfully once before and gave this wonderful couple TWINS (A boy and a girl). She just had three other attempts with a second couple, but sadly that didn't work out... so now, on to her third couple, we both have our fingers crossed that she gives them their dream baby!

I'm hoping my cycles continue to get shorter and shorter until they are down to a normal 28 days... or I will take any other length really (25-30 days preferably... lol). Here's hoping we get our BFP soon!!

The testing continues!

After getting discouraged last night, on a whim I took another test... Without a doubt, it was positive! Very thick pink line (crazy faint, but darker than its ever been!) It was exciting and relieving. It didnt photograph well, but I could see it easily see it in person. I used my last First Response today first thing in the morning and for the FIRST TIME I saw an actually pink line on it, No ifs, ands or buts! It was awesome! I can hardly wait to see it continue to grow darker (hopefully in another day or two) so I can FINALLY tell Alex!!

Getting emotions toyed with this cycle

I had a good 3 internet cheapie tests in a row that were positive... faint, but completely positive! I tried taking First Response's and I don't think I saw anything on any of them... So I'm starting to believe I got a bad batch of tests. The line should have been getting darker by now, and no such luck. Today my internet cheapie test was completely negative. What a downing way to start my day...

This is the test I took two days ago that came out SOOOO positive! It's kind of hard to see... it's the light pink line between the two dots (I edited the picture)... but light or not, a line is a line when it comes to being knocked up!

These were my tests from today.... you can see how incredibly NEGATIVE it is! So disheartening....

I've tested almost ten times in the past 3 days, and I am so tired of being disappointed when it comes to any kind of "progression"... So I have made the conscious decision to STOP testing until I am officially due for my period. I still have absolutely no signs of the monthly witch making her appearance.. My right ovary has a cyst on it and has been aching a good deal the last few days though. I don't know if that would be a sign of her coming... either way, I am almost CERTAIN I will get a positive this cycle. If I do, it's probably because I misjudged my ovulation and am not as far past as I thought I was, or the baby could have implanted later than originally thought too. Either way, I will not give up hope until the witch rears her ugly head.

On another cool note, I printed two coupons for $2 off First Response pregnancy tests at Target, and I had  $2 manufacturer coupons too! So I picked up a couple of boxes!! They were $7.99 for a box of three... after coupons, my total was only $3.99/box! I got two boxes, so 6 tests for $8!! Not bad at all.... it's amazing, in fact! So that's one thing to celebrate!

I caved... Im sooo weak!

Soooo I caved in today and tested this morning. Right away it was negative. I am only 7dpo. People tend to get their BFP's at 9-10dpo though. I decided to let it dry and check at the ten minute mark... And wouldn't you know it?? ITS 100% POSITIVE!!! Oh my gosh I am ecstatic!! I didn't have to squint or change the lighting... It was ultra faint, but 100% there!! Unfortunately, Landon got a hold of it and smudged the test with his chocolatey fingers hahaha... But I will retest when I get a good hold going and take pics/post them. I'm still shaking, but I'm overjoyed!!

day #6 of my two week wait!

I'm not really sure why I keep referring to it as a two week wait... I know it's the norm for TTC addicts and lingo and such, but realistically most people who research and are so intent on becoming pregnant do not wait the full 13-14 days past ovulation, LOL!

Anyway, nothing as far as "symptoms" to clue me in on whether or not we caught the egg this month. It's an over-share I know, but I've felt a bit gassy the last few days and today I have been crazy emotional today. Both of these things aren't really anything out of the norm for me while I am waiting for aunt flow.

I am being cautiously optimistic again though! I've had 0 cramping thus far! Usually it begins around 3-5dpo for me and is mild but noticeable.... and nothing so far!! Hoping that's a good sign! I almost had myself believing I would test in the morning tomorrow, but there's no way I would get a positive THAT early. Why waste the test? I will wait until Tuesday morning (I think) to start my crazy testing. It will be CD27, 8dpo which is when people tend to get their earliest BFP's.

Praying and praying... Oh and my brother is flying in to live with us tomorrow! I put a bunkbed together tonight and moved Landon's VERY heavy twin bed by myself... So if I DO get a positive this month, I will feel very guilty for putting that strain on my little bean =(

To believe or not to believe...

I'm not too sure.

Yesterday I woke up with this uncontrollable feeling that we will be getting our positive test this cycle. Ive been pretty busy, consuming my mind and efforts on serious house work and prepping for my brother to come live with us in a few days.... During those times its very easy for me to not spend every waking minute wondering and putting too much thought into this two week wait. However, when Im at work, sitting at my desk alone for hours and hours, I am flooded with thought.

Sitting here today in all my thought has me second-guessing my "good feeling" I had for this cycle. I know I shouldnt be negative or depressed, because there are really amazing people in this world who struggle for years, decades, and even a lifetime with infertility.I know I can get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy. I am capable of bringing life into this world. But somehow I am just down today...

I am 5dpo (approx) so another few days until I could potentially start testing.
Heres hoping it amounts to something...