End of 2011... and my resolution

I have mixed emotions.... its been quite a trying year.

I wont lie: I thought for sure I would be pregnant by now... I knew full well it would take a few months; I assumed it would happen without thought just like with Landon. But it hasnt.... its going on six months now and Im really starting to feel the sting of defeat.

At the same time I know whenever we do get our positive, it will all be worth the wait and heartbreak. It will make us appreciate all those special moments of pregnancy. I will revel in the thrill of getting our positive test and the doctor visits.... all the pains, nausea, nights spent tossing and turning, feeling everything from the first few flutters to full blown kicking and rolling and hiccups... yeah, all of it will be savored and welcomed.

I also realize that God isnt trying to torment us... Hes just picking out the perfect angel to send down to us. I know He is taking His time matching our second angel to us. It will all happen in His time.... but man, am I anxious and impatient.

My resolution for 2012 is to work on being a more patient, less anxious me. A toast to the new year!!

A new beginning.. and a rant.

FINALLY my cycle started over.... after 66 miserable, incredibly long days, my period came. I am on cycle day 3 now. Awesome.

(Warning, Rant ahead!)
On an entirely different note, have you ever just wanted to take your husband, your child(ren) and yourself and run FAR, FAR away from everybody and everything? I am tired of people judging my life. It is completely ridiculous for me to want people in my life to be happy for us? Get your nose out of my business. I'm sorry if you get pulled in but it's just as easy for you to take a step back and stay out of whatever "bad" is happening in my life. Whatever is wrong, my HUSBAND and I will figure a way out of it TOGETHER and we do not need anybody in the peanut gallery to stand by and comment. Don't judge.... don't be bitter.... you are either happy for us or you can go fly a kite. Think we are making mistakes? We are human... chances are we ARE making mistakes here and there.. but we will figure it out. Butt out and please leave my life.

Ok, I'm done. Just needed to be said. This was meant for more than one certain person or group of people. If you are wondering if it COULD be you, only you can know for sure. I don't want to be some over-dramatic ghetto-fied person, but seriously.... leave your negativity out of my life. I don't need it, my husband doesn't need it, and my son CERTAINLY doesn't need it. Thanks.

Full month without the witch

While it is nice and saves me $$ on tampons, I am quite irked by the absence of my dear aunt flo. She should have been here early this month and failed to make an appearance. It is Wednesday, November 30th at 10:20pm. I have not had a period since the 8th of October. I've had several false positives, but none that turned out real.

However, there IS hope for me! Saturday I got a positive ovulation test (FINALLY!!!) and I believe I have ovulated! No actual confirmation of this of course, but I am so confident this time. (TMI ALERT!) My boobs always get sore after I ovulate and increase in soreness up until my period starts... and they haven't been sore at ALL this cycle until Sunday evening when they started and have gotten progressively worse. So I am taking this as a good sign =)

The only thing that throws a wrench in my theory is that I have gotten negative ovulation tests Sunday, Monday AND Tuesday. Today, however, I have got nothing but positives again. Of course, if I did in fact have PCOS like I expect (see my previous post) this would completely explain having multiple LH surges with only one ovulation in my cycle.

Any way you choose to look at it, I am thrilled out of my mind because A) this cycle is OFFICALLY coming to an end, one way or another and B) I will have my answer soon... pregnant or not pregnant?? That is the question! (Although I am 99% certain this "cycle" will turn out to be negative.)

Stay tuned to find out! =)

Quickie!

Ha ha.... funny word...

Anyway, just wanted to update everyone quickly: no period yet. I had a couple more false positives on my internet cheapies, and even though I had one on a walmart cheapie test... but nope, silly me... I should have known better. Cycle day 47 today..... No more signs of the Witch coming either. Just a slighly achy ovary.

I've taken some OPK's and they've all stayed the same intensity... almost positive, but not quite. So I did some research... several things popped up but only one that fit about EVERYTHING I'm going through: PCOS. Poly-cystic ovarian syndrome. Lovely.

Not confirmed by any means, but it's a definite possibility. I will need to be seeing my Dr. soon....

If you don't know what it is, google it sometime. Google pictures of normal ovaries and a pic of a poly-cystic ovary. It's depressing.... Anyway, I'm done writing for the night. Goodnight everyone.

&$%#@!

Update from yesterday.....(warning... this might be a bit TMI but I don't care right now..)

Pee'd in a cup this morning.

Pulled out my internet cheapie, my cheapie walmart test, and a First Response test.

Got them all soaked with urine.

Waited. Waited. Waited. Watched a lil bit. Waited more.

Nothing. Absolutely F%&$ing NOTHING.

I've just been punk'd by a crappy interenet cheapie pregnancy test.

I am heartbroken. I wanted to throw my pee cup against the wall and stomp like a toddler. I wanted to cry and call off from work today. I wanted to curl into a ball and have a pity party, ignore the world for the day. I don't know what I was expecting... I have cramps that could kill, and I am just as emotional as can be right before I start my period. I KNEW better than to trust that stupid test... I KNEW better than to get my hopes up like this. I couldn't help myself. It's not our month.... definitely not our month.

I'm ready for next cycle now please...

Well, well, well...

....it is now OFFICIALLY Nov 11... 11.11.11 HAH! =) Anyway, when I got home from work tonight (well, last night now technically lol!) I took a walmart cheapie test (88 cent ones that are purple) and almost immediately.... I saw a line. Two lines. Then the second line faded to an almost invisible shadow. Hmmm...

Here's some more back story: I recalculated my ovulation date (I was curious because my Nov 7 period didn't happen and was still getting BFN's)... I actually seemed to have ovulated either Oct 30 or 31st! Sooo, that would put me at either 10-11dpo!!

Anyway, after being skeptical for a few seconds, I snapped pics of this cheapie test, looked at different angles... then  I dipped my cheapie from the internet.... I put it on my bedside table for the 5 mins I had to wait and didn't look at all (I fully expected it to be negative too) and surfed the interwebs... when I picked it up I almost gasped. In the dim light of my computer screen, I EASILY saw a second line.... plain as day. I got up quietly and retreated to the restroom with my test... closed the door, turned on the light.... second line. Right in front of me. Is this real??

It's very very very faint in the picture, but it dried MUCH darker. And pink.... 100% pink! I'm in shock. I've been having such awful cramping the last few days (and right now as I type this) and I CANNOT BELIEVE I just saw TWO PINK LINES. Holy crap!!


I'm a bit skeptical still... these pink handled pregnancy tests are a part of a bad batch that have been giving my online forum girls false positives... I won't tell anybody (except a couple girls that I know and personally share daily TTC info with) until I get an ACTUAL POSITIVE on a First Response test....

Did I mention I cannot WAIT for 7am to roll around so I can obsessively test more??? Oh my gosh guys!! I cannot believe it... did we really do it???

To be continued.... =D

N.E.G.A.T.I.V.E.

Another cycle, another big fat negative.*insert sigh here* Oh well. Aunt flow comes in two days. On to next cycle...